Sin, Sinner? What's the deal?
Written for Men's Retreat in 2024
What is Sin?
Sin of course at the very least is sexual immorality, impurity, debauchery, idolatry, hatred, discord, fits of rage, selfish ambition etc. [Galatians 5:19-21] In today’s modern society it’s easy to think sin is “bad behaviour” But it's definitely much more than that.
Tim Keller in his book Prodigal God defines sin as “sin is not just breaking the rules, it is putting yourself in the place of God as Savior, Lord, and Judge.” In other words, at the root of sin is a desire to be our own God. To live a life where we can dictate our own decisions to direct our life based on our knowledge and experience without God, as if we were our own God.
I hope that my story will give us a better understanding of how sin can permeate into our choices, good/bad intentions. Like most Korean-Americans I grew up in a home where your value was measured by how well you can perform or achieve. I’m sure it wasn’t my parents’ intent, but I learned quickly that I was only loved and accepted when I did well in whatever I was doing, school, grades, sports, career, life. Love was always conditional to me. I grew up in the church, but this idea of a God who loves us UNconditionally, was very foreign to me.
I was raised with negative encouragement, so from an early age I always felt like I never measured up; I was always critical of myself. As an adult, that critical way of thinking actually made me a great worker because I was able to see how things didn’t work quickly and improve systems, and protocols. This ability to analyse and anticipate issues did bode well with my career in film production. However, little did I know, how my critical way of thinking, packaged with my sense of inadequacy, would haunt me throughout my life.
I served the church my whole life. I loved music so naturally I served as a worship leader for many years. Growing up in small churches, we were always faced with challenges, under-financed, new youth leaders coming and going due to all sorts of reasons, the whole church splitting, it was as if the Youth Group was always an afterthought to the Korean Ministry. You know those movies where a new Teacher came along to teach the young rebellious students, but because the students are so tight the teacher has to prove their worth? Yea, that’s what we felt like as youth group. Always these new pastors that really never “measured up," which enhanced the feeling of being an after thought and always set up for disappointment in our leaders.
At this point, I was the eldest member and therefore felt it was my responsibility to take care of the group. So with every new youth leader that came around I would volunteer myself to interrogate this new person, with disappointment already leaking from my tongue. There were many times where we wouldn't have a youth pastor and so I would give sermons on Sunday, at 17 years old, mind you. Needless to say there was always a cloud of frustration, because we never got the leader we deserved, someone who can love us and teach us who God was, someone to guide us and walk with us. It's like we were the ones left with scraps. Out of this sense of lack grew a strong desire to be part of a big “successful” church. To see great worship, a beautiful stage, a thriving body where people can find community, to be lead by a Pastor who cared, who saw me and desired for my spiritual growth the way that I did.
I didn’t find it.
So in my 20’s I left the church. Not God, but the church as an institution.
Sin is the distortion of everything good that God intended for life. When God first created the world as we see in Genesis, he created it to be a place of flourishing and delight – a place of shalom. It says in the Bible that he called each thing he created “good.” The word ‘good’ to us has lost its weight. But in Hebrew, it’s translated to the words “whole” or “perfect”. Everything that God created, from day and night to every living animal, and especially to humans, he gave an order, and purpose and he called each “good”. There was perfect harmony, there was unity, structure, between God and all of his created things. But, sin entered when Adam disobeyed God and chose his own way and it brought upon chaos — toil, broken relationships, broken world and ultimately death.
I never understood God’s mysteriousness with the fruit. “Don’t eat it for you will surely die” So cryptic. Why couldn’t he say, "Yo Adam, don’t eat this fruit because if you do it will break your relationship with me, you will lose this peace you have now, and on top of all that you will doom the future of the human race FOREVER! SO DON’T EAT IT!"
If God were to say something like that to Adam he most likely would have obeyed. But, it would have been out of fear, not love and trust. Adam and Eve wouldn’t be obeying for the sake of obeying but obeying on the basis of their own understanding. “Oh yea that makes sense God and since that makes sense to me I will then choose to agree, I will hence obey.” That’s obeying based on my own wisdom, not on the wisdom and trust of God. God didn't explain everything to them because, he wants Adam and Eve to obey for the sake of obedience. "Obey me for who I am, not because you find it agreeable."
But of course, that didn’t happen and to this day we are still guilty of this with God, I will obey you if it makes sense to me. (palm slap to the head) We do this everyday don't we? God why should I give MY hard earned money away? Why do I have to break up with this person? Why can’t I have sex with my girlfriend if I love her? Why should I forgive this person who totally screwed me over? Make it make sense to me God and maybe I’ll consider your ‘suggestion’.
When we move away from the original design that God had intended for life that was full of His goodness, it ends up causing brokenness — broken relationship with God, broken relationships with others and a broken relationship within ourselves.
So fast-forward five years, I’m back at church, the Gospel truth was re-introduced to me and it's finally real, my life is changed and I eventually get baptized. Life is good. Soon the church I’m attending wants to do a new plant. The opportunity to build that dream church!? Redemption from all those years of tiny broken churches. I’m in!
The beginning was tough. We started the church without a permanent leader and needless to say we were understaffed. I fell into the role of worship leader, worship team member, and AV/Media Lead. Living so close to church, there were many nights I would come in during the week on my own, to re-wire the sound system, build the stage, back drops, install TVs, do maintenance work so that Sunday worship would go smoothly. Because of my professional background in movie production as well as live concert production I spent nights creating protocols and schedules for the worship service flow, so that all team members involved knew exactly what they were doing Sunday. Very Type-A. Hard worker, take initiative, get things done. Finally, a couple years in we found a permanent Pastor to lead us. Soon after, we were growing and growing fast.
It was a time for celebration, but that’s actually when things started falling apart for me.
The Pastor started changing things. The protocols I created, he wanted adjustments, he started putting his hands into my worship schedule etc. All the while, not acknowledging all the hard work that I already put in, and how the system has been functioning well prior to his arrival. Right off the bat, we didn’t vibe. Every conversation was filled with push back and unspoken tension. All the while I can see him getting along with others and supporting other team members, lifting them up and honoring them. Ohh my ego. Who is this guy? Doesn’t he know I’ve been busting my butt for the church? The defensiveness grew. My hard work wasn’t being approved or acknowledged. It hit my sense of self worth really hard. So I fought back to defend it. I would tell myself, 'he doesn’t know what he’s doing. I know better than him.' It reminded me of all the failed pastors from my past, it’s happening all over again. I started subconsciously throwing him into that category. Labeling him, judging him.
Who has Sinned?
As I began to undermine the Pastor he began to reciprocate. I heard things down the grapevine of his opinion of me and started to see the staff also treat me differently. It blew me away to see a 'Pastor' and his 'Holy staff' treat a devoted/committed member of the church that way. How can Christian Leaders behave this way? It made me more angry. Shouldn’t a Pastor, of all people, be above reproach? Have the decency to come to talk to me if he had a problem? What kind of ‘leader’ is this?
Scripture makes it clear that every single one of us has sinned. Even the person you see as a complete saint, the one who seems like the nicest person you’ve ever met, From Mother teresa to Adolf Hilter, Romans 3:23 states “All have sinned and fallen short of the Glory of God.” Romans 3:10 “There is no one righteous, not even one, all have turned away”. It took years for me to accept that this Pastor was also just a person trying to love God and the church and that he too was a sinner just like me. But more on that later…
Naturally, the chasm between me and the church leaders grew wider and wider. Soon I found myself slowly being outcasted. I couldn’t share with anyone the heartache and betrayal I was facing because everyone I knew attended the church. Slowly but surely, those who I thought were friends, no longer spoke to me. Those I could confide in would just urge me to do the “right thing” and submit, resolve it, and move on. As much as I hated the Pastor I didn’t want to throw him under the bus for the sake of the church members. So I kept my head down, my mouth shut and kept serving. Surely the Lord will honor me for this nobility…surely…
In What ways, have we Sinned?
At this point, you might be wondering where’s the sin in all this? I just see a story of two guys with huge egos not being able to get along. On the surface yes, but at this point my heart was festering with bitterness, rage, and hate. [1 John 2:9 ‘anyone who claims to be in the light, but hates a brother or sister is still in darkness'] My intensely negative emotional reaction to all of this indicated that the lack of acknowledgment in my hard work, which directly correlated to my own self worth, was being threatened by outside circumstances, and what’s worse is that all of this was happening inside the church! A supposed safe-haven.
Remember, what we learned the root of sin was - To be our own God, to fill our sense of self with anything but God.
Fast forward a few years later. We got a new building, an empty warehouse. As the media director, it was my job to design the layout of the Sanctuary, the stage arrangement, how and where to setup the sound system, lights, and projectors, create a budget for all the gear we will be needing, map out the crowd flow from main entrance to the sanctuary, and all the necessary logistics. Again, I busted my butt to get it done. I had no idea how to do these things, but luckily I had YouTube and Google to help me. Once we all agreed on the layout and plan it was green lit, we had a Sanctuary to build.
Now any project of this magnitude will test and push the best relationships. Considering how the Pastor and I already had a rocky one, you can guess what happened next. After many heated conversation and continued conflicts I finally got a personal phone call from the Pastor. We talked…kinda...By the end of that phone call I was let go from all my roles at the church. No longer media team, no longer worship team. Effective immediately. No two week notice, no ceremonial goodbye, no announcement to the church, no gratitude statement for all the years of hard work and dedication. Nothing. No one would ever know what I did for this church. It’s like I never existed.
Needless to say I was crushed.
I was told that the Associate Pastor would meet with me once a month to ‘disciple’ me through this process, that never happened. I was told they would check in a few months later to see where I was, that potentially I could come back as a leader, that never happened. No follow through. I was pushed aside, forgotten. Attending worship service in the aftermath of this was so painful. There would be days where I would skip going to church altogether. When I did have the strength to attend, walking through the building and seeing everyone unknowingly enjoy my hard work would make my stomach churn. Watching the worship team smiling on stage as they got to freely play music, made me want to throw up. Hearing people talk about how awesome the sound was at church made me feel even more forgotten. Too many times I had to walk out of the service because I couldn’t muster the strength to listen to the Pastor on stage, to see leaders making announcements welcoming newcomers to this ‘awesome’ church, knowing what they did to me. The hypocrisy was killing me. For the next 3 years I fought with God. I thought, with my commitment, devotion, service, keeping my head down, not talking smack about the pastor, all of that God would surely reward me. But this is what I get for my hard work?! Exile?
My dream of being involved with a thriving “successful” church was taken away from me. All I wanted to do was to do was see the church thrive, why coudn’t they see that? Why else would I work so hard?! Why God Why?! Why did you let this happen. I was serving your body! You brought this leader in who I didn't get along with to fire me! Why?! Who does he think he is? I was here before him! This is my church!
Whoops…there’s the slip.
The humble slap in the face. God was like, "Um, excuse me? Whose church is this? Did you say your’s or mine? Paul, this is my church. And it will thrive with or without you."
Why did I say MY church? As if it was MY project. That’s when I realized, this was my accomplishment and I was seeking my own reward, the root of my sin, being my own God by fulfilling myself, my way. I was angry because I never got that notoriety, the credit that I deserved. My hard work was not appreciated, acknowledged or affirmed. That’s when I realized this was never for the church or God – this was all for me. I wanted people to say, “wow this church is amazing because of what Paul did, this church wouldn’t be anywhere without him. Paul is so awesome!” The haunting message from my childhood “you are not enough until you accomplish something great.” I was using the church as an opportunity to highlight myself, my work, and seek approval; the universal desire to hear “Good job, I am so proud of you!” Seeking affirmation from people and not from God. (Adam seeking the knowledge over God) Why was I seeking acceptance from people when I have the acceptance of the God of the universe, the maker of the heavens and the earth, all being possible by the death of Jesus Christ on the cross!
Remember, sin boiled down is the absence of shalom. And that is perfectly displayed through the consequences that we face due to our sinful actions. At this point in my life my choices, and actions of putting my self-worth above all, resulted in broken relationships, people getting unnecessarily hurt, betrayal of trust, me isolating myself further away from the church which further harbored my bitterness and rage. Again, lack of shalom. Brokenness.
It was the classic Elder brother syndrome that we learned from the Prodigal Son Story. Like him when things didn’t go my way I was not just hurt, but deeply bitter and angry. Believing that all my good works deserved merit. Basically coming from a place of entitlement. I realized all the hard work I put into my life was my way of controlling God, to put him in my debt. "Look what I did for the church, now you owe me a good life!" My sin revealed to me how I was using God and his church to fulfill my own destiny, my own self worth, or lack thereof. – My heart broke. I was so embarrassed.
I repented.
But what of the Pastor and my relationship with the rest of the staff?
God said forgive. How can I forgive? Objectively, I was wrongfully accused in all of this, and didn’t deserve to be fired from the church. It wasn’t fair. I’m being screwed by the system. God said, forgive. This was an additional 3 year journey.
I didn’t want to forgive.
You know, we can categorize sin into two types: sins of COmission and sins of Omission.
Not only do we sin with intent but there is a type of sin that takes place when we DON’t do the things God asks us to do. Me not wanting to forgive knowing that it is the will of God, this is what we call sins of Omission. Where we choose to NOT do the things that we are called to do. In Luke 6:46, Jesus says, "Why do you call me 'Lord, Lord' and do not do what I say?” When we know the will of God and yet choose not to do it, we are also sinning.
On the other side of the spectrum are sins of COmission. When we are actively choosing to take wrongful actions/choices. Galatians 5:19-21 lists some of them out when it says, “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery, idolatry and witchcraft, hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy, drunkenness, orgies, and the like." Me choosing to hate the Pastor, me choosing to fantasize about my rage toward him and toward God, jealous of others who are getting credit and notoriety in the church, choosing to drink my sorrows away etc. These are sins of COmission.
What is our Solution to Sin?
Tim Keller said “It is only when you see the desire to be your own Savior and Lord—lying beneath both your sins and your moral goodness—that you are on the verge of understanding the gospel and becoming a Christian indeed.”
It was a hard pill to swallow. That something so good was clouded by such sinful intent. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing. It took years for me to come to a place to see the Pastor for who he was. And to see this whole situation for what it was. To see him not as a pastor, not as a leader, but simply as a man doing the best that he could with what he’s got. An imperfect man but a man who loves God nonetheless. It was my arrogance and self-righteousness that stopped me from seeing him the way God sees him. I sat from my high horse saying, “why should I forgive him, he’s a pastor he should never have done xyz. I would never do that or be like that!” The judgement and lack of humility was palpable. This emphasized my lack of awareness that I too am a sinner saved by grace, that I too fall short. Who am I to judge him? After all there’s plenty of things about me that proves I’m not a “good” person.
Thankfully, sin does not have the final say. God's redemptive grace was given to us on the cross when Jesus Christ died for our sins. And that grace is freely given to us when we repent. Martin Luther said this of sin: “All of life is repentance and one that leads to true freedom. The more we understand sin, what it does to us and all of God’s created order the more we will learn to step into God’s true work of restoration.”
Ephesians 4:32, "Forgive each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you”
After endless days of crying, and yelling at God, struggling to forgive those that objectively wronged me — one night, with my face covered in tears, I heard God say, “Paul, yes you may have been wrongfully judged, yes it wasn’t fair, yes they shouldn’t have done that to you. But you are sinful and not perfect and neither is he. That’s why I had to come down for you and him. Can’t you see that I was wrongfully accused. That when I came down, I lived the perfect life, and was wrongfully judged, and died for you and him. I died the ultimate death so that you don’t have to. So that whatever you go through in this life will be just a shadow of death. I chose to suffer because I love you.” My God was wrongfully judged, he was objectively screwed by the system...Let that sink in...The empathy and understanding I felt in that moment...I was seen and understood by the God of the universe. Finally, in my own suffering I understood the gravity of that it means that we have a God who suffered too. We have a God who knows suffering. And endured it for us.
Even though He, who lived perfectly, had every right to fight back, cry out, jump off the cross and judge us, he took it and endured it for our sake. For my sake. Because he knew there was nothing I can do to save myself from the fall of sin, from my selfish desires, from my messed up belief that I can be something by working hard for it. To save myself. Because of that I am able to repent, turn from my sinful ways, turn from trying to be my own god, give up my selfish ambitions, let go of my mission to fill myself, and finally receive God’s restoration for me.
Inevitably, he lead me to a place to forgive.
So how did this all end? I knew I needed to eventually talk with the Pastor face to face about all of this, but i also knew i was in no place to do that earlier because i was so enraged and hurt. But now, after God helping me see the sin that permeated in my heart, and now repentant and having forgiven, I knew it was time. I didn’t expect a perfect closure to all of this. At the very least, I accepted the fact that he and I were different people and that maybe we just weren’t meant to work together and that’s okay. With that I went into the meeting to say “Hey, I’m sorry for everything, no hard feelings, we are different and that’s okay. But I just wanted you to know that I’m planning to leave this church. I think my time here is done. Wish you all the best.” I really thought he would respond with “Take care Paul. Good riddance, finally got rid of that guy.” — But God, as always, exceeds our expectations.
So that day in his office the two of us sat down face to face, one on one to have the talk. I said what I planned to say that we are different and i’m leaving churches etc. and thats when the Pastor looked at me and said something that I never expected to hear.
He asked me to stay.
He apologized for all that had happened and how he handled it. And said that there were too many stories of people getting hurt by the church and leaving and didn’t want that for us. - I agreed with him. We needed a better story. A biblical story, a story of redemption. So we made amends and I stayed.
Repentance is not a self improvement exercise. It’s the admission of realizing that I don’t have it together and I never will and therefore I give up my reign and control and rely solely on you O Lord. It’s a complete paradigm shift. One that goes from me being the center of the world to GOD at the center of our world. And the beauty is that God is a good God, and despite our continued failings He welcomes us with open arms, and NOT with condemnation. It’s his kindness that leads us to repentance. It’s a safe place.
If the idea of confession and repentance still makes you nervous or scared or maybe even overwhelmed with guilt and shame, if you’re thinking what will people think, what will my friends think, what will God think? How can I bare my soul, there's too much darkness. How can I stop sinning. What will happen? What if I mess up again? Repentance is a lifestyle. It’s a process. It's a posture of the heart. Of course, there will be moments where repentance leads to an immediate sense of freedom, but it’s a daily practice for all Christians. We still have to choose Christ and the way of repentance everyday. The world, again because of sin, is a broken place that’s consistently falling apart. But take heart. John 16:33 “In me you may find peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart for I have overcome the world.” We are destined to succeed as followers of Christ, Because of what He did, not because of your own efforts.
So what is the posture we should have as we repent? ”Yet to all who received Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God.” John 1:12. You are heir’s. Gods children. Because of what Christ has done we inherit His Kingdom, like a King adopting an orphaned child. That child is now legally allowed to run free in the palace and approach the King any time, all that the King owns is now yours. That’s where we are. You have access to the God of the universe. Why wouldn’t we want to repent and turn from our broken ways, if it means we can lay rested in his hands. Admit that you’ll never have it together. That it’s only by going to him can we be free from the chains of our sin.
Go to Him. He is kind and gentle.
To quote Tim Keller one last time “The Gospel is that you are more evil than you thought you could ever be, and at the same time you are more loved than you ever thought you deserved.” It means the more you see your own flaws and sins, the more precious, electrifying, and amazing God’s grace becomes.
“Lay your deadly doing down. Down at Jesus feet. Stand in him and him alone Gloriously complete.”
